Sigh...

The year was 2002, the month was April and it was the last day of college.. We have always been a group of 6 and were always together. We had our own fights where few of us didnt talk to few of us for as short as 2 days to as long as 3 months!
Few of us were too practical, and few of us including me were little sentimental about that day. (I still cant believe that I was at one point a little senti about such small things! I had worn the dress that I wore first day to college that day!)
We had all taken autographs from the rest of the classmates that day. I had prepared a big personalized autograph book, where I had asked all my classmates to write stuff.
We had just taken loads of photographs in the lab, in the library posing that we were reading all big fat books, with the bus driver and conductor, in the temple, in the parking lot and in the classroom.
And we finally were in the college parking lot, and I was almost in tears that we wouldn't be coming to the college anymore from the next day.

Knowing fully well what the others would say, I said - "Okay.. so here we are.. I am feeling very bad that its the last day of college. Yeah, from tommorrow, we will have to start reading for the exams! Chalo.. now you guys give me autographs!"
Then my best friend, the most practical one of the lot and with whom I was having a small fight at that time, said - "C'mon.. stop being senti about this... What if it is the last day of college? We all can still be in touch if we want. I dont feel bad that I am going to leave college. I know fully well that I am going to stay in touch with the people I want to, and whoever matters will still be around. Those who are not in touch would never matter to me! Thats the reason why I will not even take your autographs! You guys just sign in my book, thats enough!"

Those words acted like magic, and I bought that instantly.. Yes, obviously... whoever matters will stay in touch, and those who dont stay in touch never matter. Moreover, I was never close to the rest of the class. The only guys that mattered were those 5 guys.

And there was no way I would not be in touch with any of those. One of them, G was my best friend in college, I had met him literally on the first day of the college and we have been together ever since.. Yes we had our own fights, but I knew we would be together one day! How can I not be in touch with G!!
Another of the guys J, was like his shadow. He followed G wherever he went, and so I would obviously stay in touch with him too.
The rest of the guys D & B were like best friends, and I was pretty close to B. So I knew I would be in touch with both of them too.
And then it was T. We had been together for 8 years then, and she was my best friend in life. And we were neighbors too. So I would bump into her almost everyday!

So I was cool. However I insisted that I still take their autographs and all of them signed in the first page of my autograph book. But since we were going through a fight, G refused to sign and I didnt insist. I knew I could get that signature on there any day!

Thus, I lived through what was supposed to be the saddest day in every student's life.. and that day breezed through me. I took all that in my stride.

G went abroad for further studies. Myself & T struggled together, found jobs and got married. B & D struggled together for jobs, and finally settled down.
And then life happened...
Now 6 years have passed by that date, and if I take stock of who are all in touch with me... its saddening.
Yes, we are all still friends. B & D occassionally get in touch, and send emails. T is too busy with her son, and J comes over whenever he can. But the equation is not same. They do not know most of the things happening in my life, and I dont know about theirs.
And I have not heard from G since then!

These were the people I thought I would never get out of touch with. I thought these were the people who mattered and who didnt need formalities to stay in touch. These were the people with whom I spent some of the best days of my college life. But now, we are acquaintances.

Now I am a bit cynical about friendships, love and relationships in general. But I was a young girl with lot of hope and trust on the world at one point of time. I had thought and planned a thousand things that I would be doing with these guys then. Now I hardly remember them during my day to day life.
Once in a while when I see D uploads his daughter's photos or when J uploads some video, I get to know about it through Orkut, but otherwise the contact is near-zilch!
Sometimes these equations puzzle me. I know I have grown up, and lived life these 27 years.
I have understood that maintaining relationships is tough.
But I still stick to the fact that if a relationship matters, it will hold on. No matter what you do and where you go, you can take that relationship for granted, and be assured that when you return it will still be the same.
Does that mean that they never mattered? Now, even this practical heart refuses to agree to that.
No, those guys matter.. they mattered a lot. Few of these have stayed with me through thick and thin.
I still would give anything to have them all under one roof and throw a party. I would still give anything to be friends with their spouses, and share our stories with them.
Sigh.. If only it were possible!

If only I picked up that damned phone and called them all, and spoke like the olden days. Its not the ego, its the predicament. What do I talk about? We are all so disconnected!

That brings me to the one mistake I made in my life, and the price I had to pay for it - some of the best years of life and one best friend!!! Not to mention the differences it created between the rest of us!

I wish I could talk to G like the old days!
I wish I get invited to his marriage!
I wish I spoke to his parents like the old days!
I wish I bumped into him in a mall or some place, and we get talking like nothing ever happened!
I wish I could call G, if only I had the guts and the phone number!
Forget that I never heard from him soon after college, I dont even remember how his signature looks like!
Coz, I dont even have the autograph of my best friend!!!

Dec 2nd!

I used to plan how to surprise him on this day.
I used to think hard on what to gift him on this day.
Mom used to cook his fave desserts on this day, and Dad used to give him money to enjoy this day!
On one particular day, we even cut our first cake on this day, and he was almost choking making that day so special to him! (We were not in the habit of cake-cutting on our bdays for various reasons, but that one day, I ordered a special eggless cake, and surprised him at 12 in the night!
The guy in turn would try his best to surprise me on my birthdays, but me being me and he being himself, I would always get a whiff of what he would be upto, and I would not let him know of it, lest he would feel bad!)

That guy in turn, used to donate that money to charity. He would refuse to buy new clothes because he would want to donate that money to some earthquake victims or to some flood-relief fund.
If not any of those, he would donate it to some animal cause.

This was what used to happen for the past 25 years..

This time I planned to give him something big, after all, he is turning a quarter.
Mom & Dad wanted to spend the day with him, to celebrate his 25th birthday!

But now..
I am reading, and re-reading this post!
Mom & Dad must've been crying on what has happened, and why it has happened, like they do every other day. Today, it would be a bit more, because this was the day he was born 25 yrs back, only to give them pain now!

I was just 3 yrs old when he was born, but my first memory of my brother was me seeing him as a new born baby.
Some relative told me that I now have a baby brother, and took me along with them to the hospital to see him. I enter the hospital wing, and see the nurse cutting his umbilical cord, and I think she is hurting him.
I remember, I immediately starting crying and screaming that she is hurting my baby brother.
Mom then called me to her side and told me that she was just taking care of him.

And my last memory of him so far, is me seeing him off from the balcony. I generally get sad and choke when he is leaving Hyderabad, but in hindsight, I felt very bad that day. May be my higher-self was trying to tell me that it would probably be the last time I would be seeing him as a brother!

When all of us here are pining for him, I am sure the guy is having a blast.
After all, its his first birthday after his wedding, and some surprises would've been lined up for him by that woman!

Will he even think about us on this day?

Sigh.. once again, I am right! Its always a mistake to invest your feelings on a human being! If only I learnt from my mistakes!