Us!

Strangers say we look alike, so alike that we can pass for sisters. Its a compliment for both of us, but she is too modest to accept it. She brushes them off telling people are blind – Of all the people who have known us both, only she thinks that I am prettier than her. Friends tell that there are numerous instances where they have mistook her for me, over the phone or from a distance. Husband says he married me after seeing her in the hope that I would be at least half as beautiful as her when I am 50. And the last time I saw him, B sadly exclaimed that we are too alike - the reason which I was to know later. The reason which almost changed my life, the reason which challenged the dynamics of most of the relationships I have with some of the most important people in my life, the reason which is now causing a never-ending pain to her and to me, and the reason which has taken away my best friend from me!

I tend to forget the people who have caused me hurt and pain, but I will never forgive. She doesn’t forget. She doesn’t forgive. She will carry the hurt, pain and those circumstances forever in heart and will not let it go. Over the years, in order to not lost the people who matter, I have learnt to differentiate people from characteristics. She does not and will not. For her, if someone has done X under the conditions Y, she will forever talk about X and Y. She will not try to separate X from the person himself and try to give him the benefit of doubt. We both get disgusted at people. While I carry my disgust for only a couple of days and try to forget it, she will remember the disgust she felt for them, and vocally describes it too.
Both of us lived life on  our principles, but I have always been willing to tweak mine a bit so that people I love can fit into it. Hers have been unchanged all along. You either get into her good books by her own principles or you stay in her bad books forever!

Talking about let go, I have been practicing the art of letting go consciously. She doesn’t. She claims that she has done that, but anyone can see through it. She claims that she does not expect anything from anyone, and is cool with all, but one look at that face and it speaks quite the opposite.

If I am worn out in a relationship or a fight or a battle, I agree, and give up. Also probably see a different view point and try to understand if I was wrong in mine. She does not. Period! She will continue claiming that she is right , however unreasonable has point is. In her opinion she is right and she will continue to hold her forte. If you want her, you gotta let down your line and get into hers. Only then will peace arrive. If you try to hold your fight and try not talking to her, you will be sad to realize that she has not even noticed it!

I have had hundreds of fights with people – friends and relatives. Most of those have caused me pain and have hurt me too. However, after some time I have tried to get out of it and have extended an arm of friendship back again. And it has always worked. That could be the reason why I have not lost a lot of friends in all these years. She does not. If you have hurt her, you have. And nothing you ever do will make her forget that. Even if that hurt and pain are as old as herself. And even if the person causing the hurt is her own son. She will be vengeful towards you as long as she lives, and will maintain that she will have nothing to do with someone like you.

I believe in Karma and account most of the things – good and bad to it. I believe that whatever I am today is because of something I have done in my past lives. She thinks so too. But she only attributes the bad things in life to Karma.

I am not a staunch believer of God. I know he exists and I am happy with the relationship I share with him. I do not visit temples very often. Even she does not. We both think we don’t need to visit the temple to prove our love to God. While I say it with the confidence that he has always looked after me, she says it with anger that he has not looked after her.

Most of the actions I do with people are with the love, acquaintance or care I have towards them, and will continue to do so, even if they try their best to hurt me. I might take my time, which could be as long as years but I will come by and will talk to that person. Atleast I will have plans to talk to that person even if I never muster the strength to do it. But she does not. She does not bother if she has to die alone. And she looks at me strangely when I say that it matters to me that I do not want to have a lonely death.

I have known these about her all these years, and they did not play a major role in my life because I have learnt to live with them. It did not matter to me because her attitude did not affect people we care for. But now, its someone we both love equally. Agreed she loves him more and he means more to her, but now she refuses to see a viewpoint if I would want to forget what he did and get on with life. One thought on my part to forget him has got her doubting me and my intentions in the first place!!

All along I have taken pride in the fact that I am like her – direct, honest, straight-forward and simple.
When there have been instances for me to decide and act, I have always thought how she would behave in a scenario like that and changed my decisions around that answer. I wanted to be like her.
Only now have I begun to observe the points where we differ, and however subtle they might be, I am glad that we differ. And if I look at it, the differences are not subtle. So alike, yet not so alike, we have been.

I am from her, my existence is because of her, and not so long back, it was for her. She is someone I respect with all my heart, not because she is my Mother but because of the way she lived her life, standing by her rules and living life by her terms. She really is the strongest woman I have known or seen. Yet, sometimes I wish she was a bit more like me…